Дети. Воспитание

Дети. Воспитание.

«В реальности никто, кроме нас, родителей, не может отвечать за будущее наших детей.»  Андрей Максимов.

В первом браке у меня замечательная дочь, которую мы с женой воспитывали без помощи бабушек, так как мы жили в разных концах страны. Бабушки и дедушки нам помогли в период с  рождения и до 8 месяцев, пока мы не переехали на Дальний Восток. Большое  им за это спасибо. Жалко, что никого из них уже нет в живых.                                               Жили мы тогда в СССР: я служил, жена вначале училась очно, а когда переехали на Дальний Восток перевелась на заочное и летала с Востока в центральную Россию еще 3 года. В армии с квартирой вопросов не было, как, впрочем, и с детским садом. Мы на работе – ребенок в саду, вечером забирали. Были мы  молодые, одноклассники, взгляды на воспитание детей совпадали. Дочь росла самостоятельной, во всем помогала, по возрасту.                                                                                                                        Закончился детский сад. Началась школа.                                                                       С женой сразу определились, что ребенок пойдет в школу рядом с маминой работой, тем более она у нас сразу пошла и в музыкальную школу, где работала мама. То есть дочь находилась не дома, а недалеко от мамы.  В 5 или 6 классе дочь, если не было занятий, начала уходить домой (по поселку километра 1,5). Делала уроки, гуляла.                                                                                                               Знаете, я сейчас вспоминаю и понимаю, что вопрос по уборке квартиры и приготовлению пищи никогда даже не появлялся. Хотя я служил и никакой помощи не оказывал. Ковры выбивал и выносил мусор. Дочь с женой очень незаметно все делали. Ни грязной  посуды, ни белья (стиральных машинок-автоматов не было) никогда не оставалось. Белье поглажено и уложено. Спасибо жене за такое воспитание дочери. Криков и скандалов с ребенком по учебе, порядку и чистоте не было.                                 За стол всегда, когда была возможность, садились вместе. Свободное время проводили вместе. Я не пью. Да и не курил никогда по настоящему, иногда на службе.                                                                                                                                            В 1990 уволился с ВС СССР, жена перешла на руководящую работу в администрацию района. Теперь я с дочерью общался значительно больше. Но чего-то необычного, чтобы запомнилось, нет. Отношения с ребенком были выстроены. Уроки она делала как-то незаметно, не более часа. Школу закончила с медалью.                                                                                                               Вспоминается только время, когда началось половое созревание. Жена сразу сказала, что стесняется говорить с дочерью на эту тему.                 Да, я все рассказывал дочери об этом, начиная с месячных и дальше по мере взросления. Говорили обо всем: предохранение, безопасные дни, позы и способы, об удовлетворении женщин, виды ласк, в общем  без секретов. Когда у нее возникали вопросы на эти темы, мы их разбирали.     В старших классах и потом, в университете, я был уверен, что дочь не наделает глупостей. Так и вышло. Естественно у девушки были встречи, скорее всего и близкие отношения, но никаких залетов и нехороших ситуаций не было. Хотя она училась в другом, очень крупном городе, и жила с подругой на съемной квартире. Потом случилась любовь и она вышла замуж.                                                                                                                                      Да, вспомнил, был у меня с дочерью один спорный вопрос – я хотел, чтобы она, пока учится в школе, научилась готовить. А она отвечала: успею, потом. Так и уехала неумехой. Но потом стала, почти каждый день, звонить маме и консультироваться. Когда мама приехала к ней в гости через полгода – дочь встречала ее уже хорошо накрытым столом.

Следить за собой, обслуживать себя – как-то, видимо, жена незаметно, исподволь, научила дочь. Не было такого, чтобы ребенок пошел с оторванной пуговицей или не пришитым карманом, не поглаженной юбкой или кофточкой. Да и не с кого было брать такой пример.

Еще вот о чем хочу поразмышлять – отношения детей с отцом после развода и когда у отца новая семья и дети в ней.muzhchina-snimaet-obruch-koltso

Когда дети еще маленькие, то этот вопрос решается довольно легко – папа уехал. Дальше в этой ситуации все зависит от мамы. Какие ты смог выстроить отношения с бывшей женой во время вашей совместной жизни, так и будет заложено мамой в голову твоих детей, которые остались с мамой.

Когда дети уже большие (сегодня, по-моему, это с 10-11 лет), то все намного сложней. Но и тут в основу ляжет, как ты расстался с женой. Тут и всплывет то, какие у тебя были отношения с детьми: доверительные, ласковые или … . Ведь теперь у тебя с детьми будет только какой-то небольшой промежуток времени для встречи. Подстраиваться нет времени.                   Есть, конечно,  вариант – купить детей. Купить их внимание, уважение. Часто срабатывает.

Когда дети взрослые, а тут бах – и развод! Тут все индивидуально, но опять строится на твоих отношениях с детьми в период совместной жизни. Хотя и тут бывает по- разному.                                                               Говорю конкретно про себя:                                   С дочерью были прекрасные отношения и в школе и потом, когда она вышла замуж и родила. А потом у меня с ее мамой произошел  развод. Я уехал в другой конец страны. Теперь наши отношения с дочерью почти официальные. Поздравления с Днем рождения и Новым годом, по телефону. Очень горько. Дочь говорит, что я их бросил.                                                                                                                                                 Но это отдельный разговор.

2.

Сложилось так, что у второй моей жены, когда мы начали вместе жить,  уже была прекрасная 5-тилетняя дочка. Отца этого ребенка я немного знал.

Жена сразу попросила: у дочки есть папа, поэтому пусть она меня называет просто Миша. Я естественно согласился. С годами вижу, что, наверное, панибратское «Миша» (к мужчине старше на 50 лет) не очень правильно. Особенно слушая со стороны – вызывает недоумение.   Много чего поняв и увидев сейчас, по прошествии 8 лет совместной жизни, я, скорее всего, принял бы обращение к себе по-другому. Но, не вернешь.                                                                                                                                                                                             Что надо было построить по-другому? (для тех, кто попадет в похожую ситуацию).                                                                                                                                             До того, как начинаете вместе жить, нужно обговорить ряд вопросов:

  • Наверное, дядя Миша или по Имени Отчеству, но не Миша. Сейчас слышу к себе такое обращение и понимаю, что звучит очень глупо, особенно на «ты».
  • Проговорить с женой, что не будет обсуждения любых проблем в присутствии ребенка. Хотя, этом вопрос зависит просто от воспитания самих мужчины и женщины, кстати, в их детстве.
  • Жена не должна внушать недоверие ребенка к своему мужу – по любому вопросу!
  • Сразу, до начала совместное жизни, оговорить с женой правила ведения всего домашнего хозяйства (прямо перед разговором взять лист бумаги и написать – я хочу чтобы дома было:  ……………; это делаю я: ………., а это ты: …….   —  очень подробно). Тогда не будет очень большого количества обид.
  • Приложить все усилия, чтобы твой доход  был выше, значительно, чем у жены.
  • Не допускать, чтобы жена повышала на тебя голос (тем более при детях)
  • Помощь в быту. Я считаю, что помощь должна быть. Но, не должна, в глазах жены, перерасти в обязанность
  • Помощь в уходе за ребенком должна оставаться помощью, и также не перерасти в обязанность. Хотя у всех по-разному.
  • Жена должна воспитывать ребенка в уважении к главе семьи, если даже ребенок не общий.
  • Добиваться от жены, чтобы дети с малых лет помогали маме. Это у детей должно отложиться в подсознании. Потом этого не вернешь,  ни чем!!!
  • Следить за тем, чтобы в ребенке с малых лет, вырабатывалось чувство бережливости к своим вещам, имуществу своего дома, уважение к чужой собственности. Это тоже потом в голову взрослого дитяти не вставишь.
  • Аккуратность во всем тоже берет корни с детства.                                                 Сейчас ловлю себя на том, что сын делает что-то не так, не хорошо и говорит «Ну лядно!», а я умиляюсь. Потом у него это будет стиль жизни. Вся страна сейчас так живет. До чего мы дошли?                                                       Никто не отменял поговорки «Встречают по одежке», сейчас, наоборот она стала еще актуальнее. Как выглядит ваш ребенок, как он привык следить за собой – это ваше лицо. А позднее – это его адаптация во взрослой жизни. А для девочки – это круг мужчин, в который она будет допущена, и как сложится ее жизнь.
  • Общение, оно тоже закладывается в детстве. Наше хамство, грубость, не уважение друг к другу, к посторонним – это мы тоже сейчас закладываем в их головки.

Я перечислил основное. Многое еще можно добавить.

Что еще хочется сказать: при большой  разности у супругов в возрасте, не заиграться с молодой – сейчас все позволю, а потом поставлю все по своим местам. В 90% случаев не выйдет поставить – уже привычка сформировалась. Выход – физическое насилие или развод. Но насилие приведет к скрытой ненависти, какая уж тут семья и любовь. А какой развод, когда появились общие дети?

Мы сами сейчас строим судьбу своим детям. Потом, повзрослев, они могут сказать вам очень неприятные слова. А ответить будет нечего.

Мы сами строим мир вокруг себя.

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